Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

NASA scientists, whose intelligence was called “adorable” by the pompous alien race.
HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind’s understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13.8 billion light-years away.

According to officials at the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center, the message arrived several days after researchers sent a signal to the recently discovered URFy-32924369 galaxy. Members of a highly arrogant alien species responded, saying it was “nice to finally hear from [our] quaint planet” and that it “certainly took [humanity] long enough.”

The extraterrestrials explained they had intercepted NASA’s transmission using their “far superior technology,” because they did not want to “wait the intervening billions of years to receive a simple message from a species working within the laughable constraints of the speed of light.”

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